Heavy Weight

The weight carried for the both of us has buckled my knees. I wish I was able to explain openly, clinicly, what is on my mind and where my wip-lashes are coming from. I can't. Why should I have to? There are not listening ears out there. You know my every background reasons for sadness and lack of motivation. So now, I just turn into the problem; when I was (seconds ago, minutes ago, days ago, last week or month...) the solution to everything. I collapse. I break down only to appear to be back up. It probably isn't as clear in the open as it is in my own head. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, and answer impossible questions. I am out of time, money, solutions, and patience. Why is that so hard to see? I hope that the positive things I have done come back to me ten fold because if this is just a game to see how long I can last, what is the point of playing? Back to packing, cleaning, tearing up, and tearing down.. I just wish that I could cry non-stop, because only when its painfully clear does anyone know that I have a battlefield in my own mind.

Birthday 2010 iii

Finishing up last said box, I came across my second present (I think?). A tee shirt hidden beneath my freshly washed clothes. A gym tee shirt from Springwood High (the school that the victims of Freddy Krueger attend) at 3:30am. I almost shat.

Birthday 2010 ii

"I lie asleep in my bed and the loud sound of clear tape tearing from your room wakes me like a nightmare. I try to go back to bed, the whole time hearing you pack corrugated boxes while listening to music. The rhythms help coax me to sleep, but something about the packed boxes does not."

Birthday 2010

I stand outside on the morning of my birthday after spending incredible time at the Aver house. The bike ride home sent me to the Big Fish bar and proceeded to turn into talk about my prior 86 from the bar last Friday with the bar owner, JP. Talks were incredible. I informed the owner and Billy Dilly of my own 86, in that "I am moving to Chicago in three days.". This was another come and go from the bar and JP understood that he would indefinitely see me again in the future. We went on to talk about the NHL post season (JP is a Canadian, and therefore the Big Fish is a hockey bar), the two nights leading up to our 86'ing last week, and just overall happiness. JP is a fine bartender and does what a tender does best : converse. I leave the bar after drinking my house whiskey shot (the first birthday present of this, my 26th birthday), and now i write this. Only to go out and breath the smokey air and drink the polluted water (yes, take what you will from that sentence).

Crunching Numbers, Typing Diaries

I hate when trying to get a hold of people is difficult. A world where cell phones and house phones and work phones and pay phones give one person 4 numbers they can be reached at, but never reached. A world where I communicate through a diary on the internet, where anyone can read it but I know no one actually does. I guess sometimes mouth to ear needs an electrical intermediate just like thoughts to words need a computer in this case. Or maybe the people I just need to get a hold of are in a meeting or something?

Ever Climbing

I have been walking up one of the most impossibly steep hills I have ever had to conquer in my life this month of March 2010. Not just that but also in a place where I am new and people don't know me as well as they think they might. They trust, I trust. I climb and slip, they slip with me. Why? Why would someone want to slip just to slip? It is today that I have finally gotten to the top of the hill, finally being able to look at the other side of what I have been climbing. Once on top of the hill I want to scream out to all that I think care and share how my life may be able to remain stable. I scream out a jolt of joy and get tears in return. I want to remain stable, I don't want to deal with the negatives just because I can choose to. I am over being sad, dark, confused, and lost. I just want to be solid and never do the emotional tug o war of going from tip top of the mountain on down to the tip of the iceberg, drowning at the lowest point I can find. I want to continue to grow and create and stop having to tie myself up to pole and be paralyzed creatively and in the end, totally. Why did an earthquake have to happen once I thought I finally reached the top getting ready to continue to the next (hopefully not as steep and tall as the last) hill that life has me climb. And instead of being able to have a good brainstorm I got rained on and out. This is something that I refuse to let bring me back to the bottom today. I have worked too hard to get to where I am today, and I don't think you understand the feat that I am about to be done with. How could you? This is the first time you have ever seen me fight. I only wish that this earth was filled with more people who are understanding and full of love. The most emo post on R&Bblog up to this point and I know, I know:

"Cool story, bro."

Fanta, Fanta, Fanta

...don't you want a?!

The Panda

It is fucking delicious. If you don't agree with me get over yourself and shut it. Noodles, Orange Chicken, and Kung ... PAO!

All Pro

When i first visited San Francisco, i saw an awful lot of skateboarders there. My immediate first thoughts for every one of them were, "wow, a pro skateboarder. i havent seen a lot of pro skateboarders in real life before." So this was an awesome thought to think, except for the people skateboarding were not in fact professionals. Just normal people. Which makes me very happy to know that the memories of playing so much THPS on playstation as a kid are still so on the front of my mind that real life as a 25 year old still feels like im 16. What an awesome thought to think.

Random Pear Shaped Update

Pear Shaped Freckler:
1) Still Frecklin'©
2) Still Walkin'©
3) Still Mailin'©
photocred: Joe Lobato, TOLA

Live and Love

My phone automatically mis-spells the word "love" and replaces it with "live" on a regular basis. Thinking that a blackberry is considered a 'smartphone', this is rather ironic. It wasn't until yesterday afternoon that i realized that I am more concerned with love than i am to live. And this, is quite fine with me.

2009 Waterford Custom Track

Custom Waterford Track Frame
matte black w rainbow flake blasted and sealed
Dura Ace 7710 Crankset
Phil Wood Bottom Bracket - 110mm
Dura Ace Black Chain Ring - 50t
Dura Ace 7410 Headseat
Toshi Double - black/All City Plastic Cage - black/White Industries Urban Platform Pedal - black
Izumi Super Toughness Chain
Dura Ace 7600 laced to Mavic CR Rim via DTSwiss 15g Straight Steel Spokes, 3x lace front / 4x rear
RiBMO Front
Randoneur Rear
EAI Superstar 17t / Dura Ace 16t Flipflop
Nitto Jag Silver Seat Post
Selle San Marco Rolls Saddle - white
Nitto Pearl 8 Stem
Nitto Noodle Dropbars - 420mm
Cinelli Gel Black Wrap
Crane Copper Bike Bell
Pedobear Lurk Sticker (above headset, drive side)

Pear Shaped Feeding Grounds

For those out there wondering where the proper place to indulge in food that might make your body a bit more pear shaped, TOLA's Joe Lobato has taken it to the next level and risked his livlihood to go into the "homefield" of the infamous Pear Shaped Freckler getting a better idea of what diet possibly makes a body do what his does.

"All that I could tell is the Freckler went regular size on white. He doubled the meat, then topped it with a mountain of tomatoes. After that he had them douse the tower with regular Italian topping sauce. He didn't make his way out of the location (Quizno's) without 3 sides of hot sauce.",

Joe included this statement in the email with the picture attached.

All I have to say is, HOT DAMN FRECKLER YOU DON'T MESS AROUND. Thanks again to Joe and www.takeoverla.blogspot.com for the picture and story.

HB

I ate lunch with Megan and her aunt Jackie today in Huntington Beach, Orange County, California. Riddled with white people and large trucks avoiding monster truck rallying over bros on beach cruisers, I felt completely out of place. Huntington Beach is everything that is wrong with people in America. There I said it.

...someone had to.

Humpty Dumpty

If humpty dumpty was an ostrich egg, his fall would be equal to a small massacre of chickens. This is because one ostrich egg is equal to twenty four chicken eggs.
If the egg came before the chicken and an ostrich egg came rolling along, it would crush the chicken egg and we wouldn't even know what chickens are today.
Comparatively, the ratio of egg to animal is reasonably similar.
If birds were pornstars and the egg white and yolk were their ejaculate, an ostrich would be Austin Powers and a chicken would be Steve Zissou.

Pear Shaped Freckler

Joe Lobato was able to not only get a visual of the infamous pear shaped freckler* of Miracle Mile DTLA today, but he snapped a photo for proof.
(*NOTE: All pictures posted are b&w on the R&Cblog. Hair is freckler red. Please email for color picture proof)

updated beater

the bianchi, late fall 2009.

How to disappear completely

In a little while I'll be gone. The moment's already passed.
Yeah it's gone, and I'm not here.

This isn't happening.

I'm not here.

Facebook. Kicked the bukket.

Last night I went through with the words marked as either sad, bullshit, missed, or bipolar. No matter the reason, a choice was made to delete my account to the internet superhighway known as Facebook. Have you heard of this site? I am sure that you might have. Anyway, I figured anyone who cared would know of the RnCblog. If you made your way here because you are curious as to where I went off to, you will find out that I simply am unable to balance the time on the site and I walked away gladly. There is no drama with leaving the website and mark my words here,
"if we are living in a world where suspending my facebook account effects my relationship with friends in a negative light, I will just as soon excommunicate completely."
Afterall, I would rather live in a cabin and be thought to be dead than to actually pull the trigger.

snowball

My life feels like a snowball today. Not the kind of snowball that builds with strength as it carries itself downhill, but the kind that has already built up all of the size it can. And now it is disintegrating. It is falling apart. It is losing its shape, mold, and look. I am this snowball today, yesterday, and tomorrow.

mistakes

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I feel as though I can't make anymore at this point without terrible consequences.